WHATS UP EVERYBODY?

It's Thursday.  Get up and put your nuts on the line.  Okay, I'm starting to sound like Joey CoCo Diaz.
I'm drinking a coffee with coconut oil, just sat outside for 20 minutes, had a banana and some water.
I'm TURNT in this bitch and shit.

It's a beautiful day in Ledgeview, Wisconsin.  It's hot out, about 80 degrees...blah blah blah no one gives a fuck about the weather.

I haven't smoked any bud since Tuesday.  I've been feeling really nostalgic lately.  Random memories will pop into my head.  I think it's living in this house, my parents house, where I grew up.  There are vibes I get all the time because I have suffered so much in this house as a kid.  I have gone through so much in this house and it will always be emotionally imprinted within these walls.  Sometimes I get sad and think I want to go back in time and redo it all and cause less pain and suffering to myself and my family for putting up with all of my juvenile bullshit.  But then I realize that everything happens and whether if it is for a reason or not, one cannot change the past.  One can only adapt to the events that have altered their life and make the best of the present moment.  Learn from your mistakes and move the fuck on, stop crying about it.

I often have regrets about moving back home.  I sometimes wish I would have just stuck it out in Los Angeles, continued to work a shitty job and just make progress toward my dreams.  But I went broke, had no choice but to move back and I have learned from my mistakes.  I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I'm only 24 years old.  They say that the most successful people in life have had the most setbacks and adversity.  Maybe that is me.  I mean, shit, look at me.  I feel like a 43 year old man stuck in a 24 year old body sometimes.  I have gone through some shit.  Maybe I'm just exaggerating for effect here, but it is true, I have gone through so much shit, I guarantee most people if they could choose to live my life would pass on that grass in a flash.

I have realized that I am the type of person that could be a comedian.  I am very self critical and absorbed, uncomfortable to be around sometimes, awkward, always caught up in my thoughts, very insecure, and very cynical.  But when I'm around people (which I generally avoid for the most part) I put on an act.  I do this very well and I disguise any flaws I have with positivity and fake happiness.  This is why I get burnt out so quickly when I'm with people for any extended period of time.  I just can't put on the act long enough.  I wish I was outgoing and oblivious.  I wish I was easy going... truly easy going.  I wish I had tolerance for people.  But the truth in the matter is I'm just not that natural social butterfly.  I don't get fueled from being around people.  I wish I could sit down and just talk to someone about nothing.  I'm just not that person.  I'm not the "funny guy" or the one everyone wants to be around, just to be around.  I'm not a Leo.  (lol)

That was a joke about the astrological sign for you motherfuckers out there who are thinking "oh here we go..."

I am a spiritual person.  At least I try to be.  And from trying I have developed this sense of zen.

Holy shit, this page just went crazy on me and wouldn't let me continue typing.  I was yelling obscenities and I hope no one is home because they probably think I'm a nut (which I totally am)  Sometimes technical difficulties get the best of me.  I have anger issues.  I become frustrated super easily about certain things.  If I really have my mind set on doing something, I will do it, without error.  If something gets in the way, there will be hell to pay.  It's totally unhealthy.  It's the reason why I walk around with a chip on my shoulder every day and need to run like three miles just to feel normal.  It doesn't help that I've been taking testosterone boosters recently.  I've been exercising and lifting hard, and have managed to keep my anger in check, but sometimes it does get the best of me.  I often yell at the top of my lungs when driving over the most mundane problems.  But I'm very efficient.  I know I have this anger problem, so I minimize the amount of problems that come my way (for the most part).  Once in a while a big one will come up and punch me in the face and there's no avoiding that shit.  But I keep my life very orderly and simple.  I try to keep the bullshit out of the picture.  That's another reason why I don't spend too much time with people, especially people who attract bullshit.  I have zero tolerance for drama and bullshit anymore.

Another reason why I don't associate myself with a "group" or "clique" is because I often become a chameleon and act and pick up on slang too easily.  I don't belong to a hive.  I have figured that shit out after high school.  I only fuck with a small circle, and even they don't know what I'm up to most of the time.  I'm not completely introverted, nor am I extroverted.  I'm somewhere in the middle.  I can hold a conversation.  But, preferrably, I only like to be social when I'm drinking.  It just makes it so much easier for me.  I don't generally enjoy socializing about mundane, gossip-centered drivel.  I prefer to only talk to people about deep topics and issues and if I am somehow caught up in gossip or small talk, I prefer to be inebriated.  That's the only way I can truly participate and tolerate that excuse for a conversation.

Well, that's enough for today.  I hope we can chat sometime over coffee ;)

Peace and Praise be to the Muse.